do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
