Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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