I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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