We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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