made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's blow job season.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
