I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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