is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
