ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
