i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
