remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
