you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Randomize
