I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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