There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Shame - the story of my life.
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