My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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