when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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