Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
