The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
