He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
