I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
