dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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