Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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