Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
