here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
