he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
40s are totally the cure
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
