did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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