Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize