i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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