She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
