is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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