I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
