Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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