Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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