At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
