God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
