I cannot find my penis.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
