bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
