your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize