just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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