We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
