dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
