I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
