At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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