Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Bang-toberfest begins!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
