I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
