we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
