found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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