I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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