I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
