At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i dont even know how to be here
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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