I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
