Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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