He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
