If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
