This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
