Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
