i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
