YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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