My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
