I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
