if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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